.... Restless mind.....

when we play video games , there are times we get stuck  at one level without knowing how to go the next level.However things  get boring when  you are not sure what  happens next..,forget about how to reach there.

I am stuck in this phase of game what we call life.I have crossed many obstructions .. but now i feel stuck.I cannot see the next level.. and hence obviously  the way to reach there.Its sure that there is an another level for this game... Till I found it  I roam here and there....I just feel I am something which fills the vacuum in everyone's life ...,,nothing more...

Logically speaking you people may say that I get married and that is the next level in this game..but I am pretty sure that  its not the level that I want to jump to.. There has to be something else..

Have you ever seen a dream in which you miserably want something and you are moving away from it...or a dream a person you love going away from you??????what .. if it happens in life?? you want something with your full heart and letting it go away from your view...strange na????

Unexpected as always... few things never planned happened...few faces never imagined seen..

I never thought that I,ll   go on this much  with  my job... actually I don't know it till now whetherI liked my job or not//but its now almost becoming 1 yr since I joined there..I simply thought of leaving it  at one point of time.. but what to say ... now am here ...whether I want it or not.. I am here...!!!!!!!

I am scared....Because I know I can,t love this work and honestly saying I hate it sometimes.. this is not my future  and this is not where I wanna be...I have my dreams and plans for future..., they are different...But somehow I know till the time I am here..I will do it with my all   interest and  love...

I am not in a mood to arrange the word that I got in mind..I guess it was more like writing a diary..

Now not going  into the details of my love  for job &carrier , there is one more thing that I want to share with you all .. The interesting thing is that .. Recently I did an interview section for a local channel .. something what is another thing related to my work ... I must say  ..It was an amazing experience...and now am gonna  hide one more thing very brilliantly from you .. is that I don't  give you any details of the channel,,,,;-)

I was so much happy being a student.. don't know what happened ???? don't know why I am here??..This is not something I wanted...I can feel the suffocation inside...You know some days when I leave my work for home I feel crying..I carry so much of hurt inside..something like badly wounded..I feel like am in  a world of ppl where everybody is busy and just playing games with life .,n giving all  their deeds a name like love friendship,,bla bla....without any  sense of emotion ...May be am not liking anything nor I can cope up with it..that's why it's making me so negative... darkness and fear is all over my mind...I am angry with you GOD..!I never expected this from you..If you are punishing me for my sins then I guess you should stop now it's already too much!!!!!

Ooh.. my blog is now more towards negativity ..which I  don't wanna be...I can do well in life.. don't know why am wasting myself?... hm.. am going to finish this sad stuff here...Any how I  cant stop loving you God...And I am thankful to you for all the  good things you gave me... My  family.. My Mother...My friends

and of course many other things too.. But please help me out of these.... You know I am in trouble...

Note:;This is one of the most intense mood fluctuations... Nothing to worry... I will be fine soon...;-)

...it's me....

You wanted to know the worst about me, the things I told no one and hid below the surface. How do I explain it? How do I explain who I am when I am not even sure of it myself? How do I put into words the worst parts of me that I have run from for so long? I will tell you my secrets, I will tell you everything. Maybe it will help me. Maybe you will hate me for it or maybe you will understand. I don't know, but I am sick of running. So here it is, I will give you what you want.

I hate you. That is not true, but sometimes I think it is. I will not answer the phone when you call, even though I want to talk to you. I will not call you, even though it is all I want to do. I will not reach out to you, even though every part of me wants to. I will be mad at you, I will want to hurt you, I will drive you away because I am afraid to let you closer. I need your constant attention, your reassurances, but I will greet them with cold indifference. I will be jealous of the attention you give others, and I will get mad at you for ignoring me. I will feel close to you and care for you one day, only to be mad and want you out of my life the next.

I am an emotional fool, maybe I always have been. I take each event, each day, each conversation as a seperate event, always looking for signs that you might hurt me. When I feel neglected, I will get mad and forget that the day before you told me how much you cared. I am an inconsistent mess. There is a part of me who is happy and confident and another part that is insecure and needy. These days, I never know which one it will be. Every time I think I am in control, that I know you care and I feel comfortable with our relationship, the fear and doubt will come back. Maybe with time it will go away completely, but doubt it. All it will take is another close relationship, another new friend, another day and it will be back.

You ask what you can do and I do not know what to say. The needy part of me wants your constant attention, it needs your words and thoughts, your presence. But I know that is not the answer, I must accept the limitations on our relationship. The scared part of me wants you out of my life because it would be easier. The hateful part of me wants to hurt you because it thinks you have hurt me. All I can ask you to do is to understand, to not give up. I will ignore you at times, I may be rude to you, I may try to hurt you. I may hide from you and wait for you to reach out to me, so I know you will care. It is not fair to do these things, but I will. I cannot ask you to put up with this, it is not fair and no matter how I act, I care too much to put you through this. But you asked, and this is all I have to tell you.

I do not like this. I do not like that I am needy and clinging. I do not like that I hurt people. I do not like that I am rude and sarcastic to those around me. I do not like this part of myself. For years, I have ignored this and pretended it was me, but I have realized that is wrong. This is not me, it is a false identity created to protect me from the world. This was not an easy realization, and perhaps I haven't fully accepted it yet. But I have found my path, I have realized I can change and I can accept this side of me and keep it from becoming who I am. It will not be easy and it will not be quick, but I have faith that I can do it. Perhaps one day I will see me as the person you see behind my defenses, and perhaps one day I will let others see that person as well.

This is for you...., but you are many people. You are the people close to me now. You are the people I want to be close to even though I have kept you away. You are the friends I have pushed away in the past, the friends I never forgave and never let back in my life, the friends I never had the chance to tell this to. You are the people I will meet in the future, the people I will care about until once again I push them out of my life. You are the part of me that is still trying to understand who I am. You are all of these people and many more.